goddamned freaky monsters the tome of bill book 5

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Machine Of Death

Author : Ryan North
ISBN : 9783641071882
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 71. 33 MB
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Ihr werdet alle sterben! Stellen Sie sich vor, Sie gehen zum Arzt, machen einen Bluttest und eine Maschine spuckt daraufhin einen kleinen Zettel mit der Art Ihres Todes aus. Keine Einzelheiten, kein Zeitpunkt – die einzige Information, die man erhält, ist: Tod durch Ertrinken oder Verhungern oder Alter. Gleich dem Orakel von Delphi verhängt die Machine of Death ihr Urteil über die Menschen, und die Autoren dieser einzigartigen Storysammlung schildern auf ironische, humorvolle und berührende Weise, was passiert, wenn man versucht, seinem Schicksal aus dem Weg zu gehen ...

Die Insel Der Besonderen Kinder

Author : Ransom Riggs
ISBN : 9783426411957
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 71. 16 MB
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Ransom Riggs' Bestseller "Die Insel der besonderen Kinder" in der Filmausgabe zur Verfilmung von Tim Burton Manche Großeltern lesen ihren Enkeln Märchen vor. Aber was Jacob von seinem Opa hörte, war etwas ganz anderes: Abraham erzählte ihm von einer Insel, auf der abenteuerlustige Kinder mit besonderen Fähigkeiten leben, und von Monstern, die auf der Suche nach ihnen sind. Erst Jahre später, als sein Großvater unter mysteriösen Umständen stirbt, erinnert Jacob sich wieder an die Schauergeschichten und entdeckt Hinweise darauf, dass es die Insel wirklich gibt. Er macht sich auf die Suche nach ihr und findet sich in einer Welt wieder, in der die Zeit stillsteht und er die ungewöhnlichsten Freundschaften schließt, die man sich vorstellen kann. Doch auch die Ungeheuer sind höchst real – und sie sind ihm gefolgt ...

Scary Dead Things

Author : Rick Gualtieri
ISBN : 9781940415147
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 43. 55 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. He STILL isn't one of them. Bill Ryder, the trash-talking undead geek from Bill the Vampire, is back and about to find himself in a whole new world of side-splitting insanity. One of the most powerful vampires on the planet has given Bill a death sentence. Meanwhile, an immortal princess wants him for an entirely different purpose, one which makes his first issue seem almost preferable. All the while, new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Knowing his luck, do you even have to ask? Bill's only hope is to marshal his friends, master his powers, and somehow prove that he's the scariest dead thing of them all. ------------- Scary Dead Things, book two in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed horror comedy with an attitude the size of Brooklyn. ------------- This is book 2 in the Tome of Bill horror comedy series. Forget all of those brooding vampires, pining for lost love as they whine about it for centuries. It's time to make the undead fun again. Welcome to the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, sharp-tongued geek who just can't take the supernatural world too seriously. It's action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs. If you're a fan of Army of Darkness or Shaun of the Dead then you're in the right place. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process.

The Mourning Woods

Author : Rick Gualtieri
ISBN : 9781940415123
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 46. 25 MB
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Vampires versus Bigfoot - winner takes all. Bill Ryder: undead geek, dateless dweeb, and legendary vampire is back in his wildest adventure yet. A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can't be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity's darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc. Bill and his friends are the only chance we have...Lord help us all! The vampire nation dispatches Bill to a faraway land to broker peace, but it's not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead. Hell, some of his allies do too. Danger lurks at every turn and in places where he least expects it. Now he must rely on his friends, master his fledgling powers, and use every four-letter word in his arsenal to stop the war, uncover the conspiracy, and solve the mystery that lies at the heart of the Mourning Woods. ------------- The Mourning Woods, book three in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed paranormal adventure that will leave your funny bone feeling like it's been trampled by an angry moose. ------------- This is book 3 of the Tome of Bill horror comedy series and it brings together two of my all time favorite monsters: Vampires and Sasquatch. It's an all out bloody brawl in the woods of northern Canada to determine the fate of the world. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,canada,bigfoot,sasquatch,cryptids,grendel,alma,yeti

Die Unsterblichen

Author : Chloe Benjamin
ISBN : 9783641207083
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 21. 1 MB
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Wie würdest du leben, wenn du wüsstest, an welchem Tag du stirbst? Sommer 1969: Wie ein Lauffeuer spricht sich in der New Yorker Lower East Side herum, dass eine Wahrsagerin im Viertel eingetroffen ist, die jedem Menschen den Tag seines Todes vorhersagen kann. Neugierig machen sich die vier Geschwister Gold auf den Weg. Nichtsahnend, dass dieses Wissen für jeden von ihnen auf unterschiedliche Weise zum Verhängnis wird. Simon, den Jüngsten, zieht es Anfang der 1980-er Jahre nach San Francisco, wo er nach Liebe sucht und alle Vorsicht über Bord wirft. Klara, verwundbar und träumerisch, wird als Zauberkünstlerin zur Grenzgängerin zwischen Realität und Illusion. Daniel findet nach 9/11 Sicherheit als Arzt bei der Army. Varya wiederum widmet sich der Altersforschung und lotet die Grenzen des Lebens aus. Doch um welchen Preis?

Cryptonomicon

Author : Neal Stephenson
ISBN : 9783894806910
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 32. 53 MB
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Während des Zweiten Weltkriegs legt Japan mit Unterstützung von Nazi-Deutschland eine gigantische Goldreserve an. Die Alliierten werden zwar auf verschlüsselte Mitteilungen aufmerksam, aber selbst ihren besten Kryptographen gelingt es nicht, den Code zu knacken. Mehr als ein halbes Jahrhundert später stößt eine Gruppe junger amerikanischer Unternehmer im Wrack eines U-Boots auf die Anzeichen einer riesigen Verschwörung und auf das Rätsel um einen verborgenen Schatz.

Bill The Vampire

Author : Rick Gualtieri
ISBN : 9781940415017
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 58. 38 MB
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There are reasons we fear the night. He's not one of them. Bill Ryder was a dateless geek, slacking his way aimlessly through life right up until the day he was killed. Unfortunately for him, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Sadly, fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, most of them want him dead - permanently this time. Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit. Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off - even if it gets his teeth kicked in. ---------- Bill The Vampire, book one in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed horror comedy with a nasty overbite. ********** Welcome to the Tome of Bill series - an urban fantasy world aimed at bringing the vampire genre back from the dark brooding crypt it's slept in these past several years. It's time to make the undead fun again. This is the story of Bill Ryder, a wise-cracking, D&D playing programmer who, much to his dismay, learns firsthand that vampires and other monsters are real. There's just one problem: despite the danger, he can't bring himself to take the supernatural world all that seriously. Action, adventure and lots of politically incorrect laughs follow at he traverses the dark underworld of these bloodthirsty immortals. Writing these books puts a huge smile on my face. I sincerely hope you have as much fun reading them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half-a-Prayer (book 6) The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of this horror comedy series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ********** Tips for Surviving All Those Damned Vampires* by Rick Gualtieri Being seduced by a beautiful immortal makes for pretty good fantasy. There's just one small problem. Actually getting your throat torn out by a ravenous creature of the night is a wee bit less glamorous than Hollywood would have you believe. Here are my tips for avoiding a gruesome fate at the hands of the undead. Avoid being where vampires are. Yeah, that might sound obvious, but you need to cover the basics first if you're gonna live to see your next sunrise. This means staying away from old castles, spooky forests, and villages where they fork the sign of the evil eye at strangers. Note: this shouldn't be confused with avoiding places where the patronage are sporting sparkly makeup and false fangs. You may wish to stay out of those spots as well, mind you, but for entirely different reasons. Carry a vampire slaying kit. Much like burglars avoid houses guarded by angry Dobermans, most vamps prefer easy meals over folks sporting weaponry that would make Buffy Summers weep with joy. Thus, you should never leave home without: wooden stakes, crucifix, holy water, crossbow, machete, and a heavy caliber gun with silver bullets (bonus - also handy for werewolves). Hold on there, Jethro, won't most of that stuff get me arrested? Probably, but ask yourself what's worse: a psych evaluation and maybe a few nights in jail or an eternity of servitude to the forces of darkness? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's up to you to decide if you're gonna man up because otherwise just pour some barbeque sauce on your neck and get it over with. Don't rely on garlic. For vampires anyway. Though a tasty ingredient, garlic is iffy at best as a vampire deterrent. Most will steal it for later use in a marinara sauce and then just bite you anyway. Also, running around with cloves of garlic hanging from your neck is a good way to get labeled as a weirdo, ensuring you get ignored by everyone - except maybe the vampires chasing you. Running water is a fool's errand. Sure, if you're on one side of the English Channel and a vamp is on the other, the odds are in your favor. Streams, creeks, or swimming pools, though, aren't gonna do much except maybe get a vampire wet. This will do nothing to help your cause, unless maybe you have some fetish for being killed by a damp vampire. Hey, we don't judge. Only go out during the day. Don't let your friends fool you. They may be out having all sorts of fun at parties, clubs, concerts and the like, but you'll have the last laugh as you sit at home, locked up tight and surrounded by anti-vampire paraphernalia. Yeah, a so-called significant other might occasionally insist that you take them out to dinner or a movie, but don't be fooled. They may very well be thralls, hoping to lure you to a messy fate at the hands of their vampire overlords. Trust no one. The undead are everywhere. *legal disclaimer - don't actually do this!!! ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,new york,manhattan,brooklyn

Holier Than Thou

Author : Rick Gualtieri
ISBN : 9781940415109
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 47. 6 MB
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There are reasons the undead fear the night... Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles. The girl he wants is deadly to him. The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else. He's trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it's only going to get worse. On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it. Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there's just one small catch: he's in love with her. Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who's fated to destroy him. Talk about being damned if you do... Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it'll be more than just his social life in tatters. ------------------ Holier Than Thou, book four in The Tome of Bill series, is a foul-mouthed paranormal dance with death, destiny, and trying to get a date. ------------------ Welcome to the fourth book in my Tome of Bill urban fantasy series. This series is about a geeky gamer who finds himself thrust into a world of magic, monsters, and assorted other horrors - most of whom want him dead. Looking for brooding heroes pining for lost love? Well, I'm afraid you should seek your reading pleasure elsewhere. The hero of these stories, Bill Ryder, is much more likely to spend his days wondering whether Captain Picard could beat Gandalf the Grey in a battle of wits - all while throwing out caustic one-liners at the creatures dragging the world to Hell around him. What better way to combat the forces of evil than with a quick wit and sarcastic attitude? I have a lot of fun writing these stories. I very much hope you enjoy them. The Tome of Bill currently includes: Bill the Vampire (book 1) Scary Dead Things (book 2) The Mourning Woods (book 3) Holier Than Thou (book 4) Goddamned Freaky Monsters (book 5) Half A Prayer (book 6) Sunset Strip: A Tale From The Tome Of Bill The Tome of Bill Compendium (vol 1) - Books 1-4 of the series in one collection for those who wish to follow the adventure and save a few bucks in the process. ---------- Keywords: urban fantasy,paranormal fantasy,horror comedy,hilarious stories,funny books,contemporary fantasy series magic,vampire series,vampires,vampire comedy,vampires fiction,comedy series,geek humor,gamer humor,alpha master vampire,fiction novels,fantasy ebooks,comedy vampires,underworld,supernatural stories,undead,zombies,superhero,superheroes,unlikely heroes,underdog heroes,new york,forbidden love,templar,faith,chosen one,paranormal romance

Goddamned Freaky Monsters

Author : Rick Gualtieri
ISBN : 1940415217
Genre :
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There are reasons we fear the night. Now he's trying to stop them. Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he's back - reawakened halfway across the globe with no allies, clothing, or clue as to how he got there. The only thing he's certain of is that his captors plan to use him for their own nefarious ends and don't care how much blood they spill in the process. Escape might be the least of his worries, though. Civilization teeters on the brink of chaos. Mythical beasts, once thought the stuff of fantasy, are breaking through the veil, intent on waging war against mankind. At their forefront stands an ancient evil, the last remnant of a people thought long dead, and it's about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times. Bill's only chance is to reclaim his life, reconcile with his friends, and muster every bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.

Das Infernalische Zombie Spinnen Massaker

Author : David Wong
ISBN : 9783849300777
Genre : Fiction
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David und John wohnen am Arsch der Hölle, in einer Stadt, die nicht nur völlig abgefuckt ist, sondern heimgesucht wird. Alles beginnt damit, dass David aufwacht, weil er von einer riesigen Spinne angefallen wird. Das Monster läutet eine Zombie-Spinnen-Apokalypse ungeahnten Ausmaßes ein und schon bald ist die ganze Stadt verseucht. Das Perfide: Nur John und er können die Biester sehen: Für alle anderen sind sie unsichtbar. Sie glauben an einen Anschlag, daran, dass ein biologischer Kampfstoff freigesetzt worden ist, der hoch ansteckend ist und dazu führt, dass die Infizierten verrückt werden und am lebendigen Leibe verfaulen. Die Regierung riegelt die Stadt ab. Internierungslager entstehen. David und John haben nicht viel Zeit, die Welt zu retten und sich gegen die dunkle Macht zu stellen, die das alles zu verantworten hat. Das infernalische Zombie-Spinnen-Massaker ist eine ungemein lustige, groteske und actionreiche Horrorkomödie, die in den USA längst Kultstatus besitzt. Ein ebenso unterhaltsamer wie überraschender Page-Turner für Hartgesottene. »Was ihr da zu hören bekommt, was David Wong, dieser Meister des philosophischen Splatters, dieser Darwin des Horrors geschrieben hat infiziert von der ersten Seite an. Wir werden durch den Häcksler raffinierter Wendungen, sprachlicher Schönheiten und atemloser Spannung gedreht. Ja, so ist die Welt (zumindest die amerikanische), und danke David, dass du es uns erzählt hast. [...] ich würde sagen, wenn es Anspruch der Literatur ist, zu fesseln, etwas im Verstand und Verhalten des Lesers zu ändern, eine neue Sicht der Dinge auszubreiten durch virtuose Sprache und der totalen Beherrschung und ironischer Erweiterung eines Genres, wenn es gelingt den Leser anzuregen, federleicht und sackenschwer über die wichtigen Fragen des Lebens nachzudenken, wenn Bilder bleiben sollen, wenn sie fordern, uns ins Mark erschüttern, pürieren und erheben sollen, dann erfüllt der dicke Wong alle diese Ansprüche. Das war mit das Beste, was ich in den letzten Jahren gelesen habe.« Martin Baltscheit, Sprecher des Hörbuchs. »Als hätte Douglas Adams eine Folge von The Walking Dead geschrieben. Im Ernst, Mann, hol dir dieses Buch und lies es!« Washington Post. »David Wong ist es gelungen, das Kunststück [...], Monsterromane, die amerikanische Arroganz [...] und die genreüblichen Antihelden durch den Kakao zu ziehen und gleichzeitig einen gruseligen Monsterroman mit hinreißenden Antihelden zu schreiben.« RBB Radio Eins. »Wer auf Ghostbusters steht, [...] sollte diese verrückte Kiste unbedingt lesen.« WDR 1Live. »So fremd mir das Thema ist, so viel Spaß macht es, das Buch zu lesen, weil der Autor einfach wahnsinnig viel Fantasie besitzt und sehr lässig schreibt.« FluxFM.

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