housebroken admissions of an untidy life

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Housebroken

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9781101886090
Genre : Humor
File Size : 45. 91 MB
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#1 New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro isn’t exactly a domestic goddess—unless that means she fully embraces her genetic hoarding predisposition, sneaks peeks at her husband’s daily journal, or has made a list of the people she wants on her Apocalypse Survival team (her husband’s not on it). Notaro chronicles her chronic misfortune in the domestic arts, including cooking, cleaning, and putting on Spanx while sweaty (which should technically qualify as an Olympic sport). Housebroken is a rollicking new collection of essays showcasing her irreverent wit and inability to feel shame. From defying nature in the quest to make her own Twinkies, to begging her new neighbors not to become urban livestock keepers, to teaching her eight-year-old nephew about hoboes, Notaro recounts her best efforts—and hilarious failures—in keeping a household inches away from being condemned. After all, home wasn’t built in a day. Praise for Laurie Notaro “Notaro is a scream, the freak-magnet of a girlfriend you can’t wait to meet for a drink to hear her latest story.”—The Plain Dealer “If Laurie Notaro’s books don’t inspire pants-wetting fits of laughter, then please consult your physician, because, clearly, your funny bone is broken.”—Jen Lancaster, author of I Regret Nothing “Hilarious, fabulously improper, and completely relatable, Notaro is the queen of funny.”—Celia Rivenbark, author of Rude Bitches Make Me Tired “Notaro is direct and self-deprecating, and her disastrous attempts to sew a dress and make jerky treats for her dog are relatable and funny.”—Library Journal From the Trade Paperback edition.

The Potty Mouth At The Table

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9781451659412
Genre : Humor
File Size : 43. 49 MB
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From the celebrated author best known for the Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club and described as “the funniest writer in the solar system” (The Miami Herald) comes a new laugh-out-loud collection of essays on rudeness. Pinterest. Foodies. Anne Frank’s underwear. New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro—rightfully hailed as “the funniest writer in the solar system” (The Miami Herald)—spares nothing and no one, least of all herself, in this uproarious new collection of essays on rudeness. With the sardonic, self-deprecating wit that makes us all feel a little better about ourselves for identifying with her, Laurie explores her recent misadventures and explains why it’s not her who is nuts, it’s them (and okay, sometimes it’s her too). Whether confessing that her obsession with buying fabric has reached junior hoarder status or mistaking a friend’s heinous tattoo as temporary, Laurie puts her unique spin—sometimes bizarre, always entertaining—on the many perils of modern living in a mannerless society. From shuddering at the graphic Harry Potter erotica conjured up at a writer’s group to lamenting the sudden ubiquity of quinoa (“It looks like larvae no matter how you cook it”), The Potty Mouth at the Table is whip-smart, unpredictable, and hilarious. In other words, irresistibly Laurie.

We Thought You Would Be Prettier

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 1588364771
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 40. 65 MB
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She thought she’d have more time. Laurie Notaro figured she had at least a few good years left. But no–it’s happened. She has officially lost her marbles. From the kid at the pet-food store checkout line whose coif is so bizarre it makes her seethe “I’m going to kick his hair’s ass!” to the hapless Sears customer-service rep on the receiving end of her Campaign of Terror, no one is safe from Laurie’s wrath. Her cranky side seems to have eaten the rest of her–inner-thigh Chub Rub and all. And the results are breathtaking. Her riffs on e-mail spam (“With all of these irresistible offers served up to me on a plate, I WANT A PENIS NOW!!”), eBay (“There should be an eBay wading pool, where you can only bid on Precious Moments figurines and Avon products, that you have to make it through before jumping into the deep end”), and the perils of St. Patrick’s Day (“When I’m driving, the last thing I need is a herd of inebriates darting in and out of traffic like loaded chickens”) are the stuff of legend. And for Laurie, it’s all true. From the Trade Paperback edition.

Autobiography Of A Fat Bride

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 1588362442
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 55. 50 MB
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The author of the New York Times bestseller The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club tackles her biggest challenge yet: grown-up life. In Autobiography of a Fat Bride, Laurie Notaro tries painfully to make the transition from all-night partyer and bar-stool regular to mortgagee with plumbing problems and no air-conditioning. Laurie finds grown-up life just as harrowing as her reckless youth, as she meets Mr. Right, moves in, settles down, and crosses the toe-stubbing threshold of matrimony. From her mother's grade-school warning to avoid kids in tie-dyed shirts because their hippie parents spent their food money on drugs and art supplies; to her night-before-the-wedding panic over whether her religion is the one where you step on the glass; to her unfortunate overpreparation for the mandatory drug-screening urine test at work; to her audition as a Playboy centerfold as research for a newspaper story, Autobiography of a Fat Bride has the same zits-and-all candor and outrageous humor that made Idiot Girls an instant cult phenomenon. In Autobiography of a Fat Bride, Laurie contemplates family, home improvement, and the horrible tyrannies of cosmetic saleswomen. She finds that life doesn't necessarily get any easier as you get older. But it does get funnier. From the Trade Paperback edition.

There S A Slight Chance I Might Be Going To Hell

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9780345500045
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 59. 90 MB
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The first novel from the New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club is a rollicking tale of small-town peculiarity, dark secrets, and one extraordinary beauty pageant. When her husband is offered a post at a small university, Maye is only too happy to pack up and leave the relentless Phoenix heat for the lush green quietude of Spaulding, Washington. While she loves the odd little town, there is one thing she didn’t anticipate: just how heartbreaking it would be leaving her friends behind. And when you’re a childless thirtysomething freelance writer who works at home, making new friends can be quite a challenge. After a series of false starts nearly gets her exiled from town, Maye decides that her last chance to connect with her new neighbors is to enter the annual Sewer Pipe Queen Pageant, a kooky but dead-serious local tradition open to contestants of all ages and genders. Aided by a deranged former pageant queen with one eyebrow, Maye doesn’t just make a splash, she uncovers a sinister mystery that has haunted the town for decades. “[Laurie Notaro] may be the funniest writer in this solar system.” –The Miami Herald From the Trade Paperback edition.

It Looked Different On The Model

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9780345526311
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 83. 23 MB
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#1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER Everyone’s favorite Idiot Girl, Laurie Notaro, is just trying to find the right fit, whether it’s in the adorable blouse that looks charming on the mannequin but leaves her in a literal bind or in her neighborhood after she’s shamefully exposed at a holiday party by delivering a low-quality rendition of “Jingle Bells.” Notaro makes misstep after riotous misstep as she shares tales of marriage and family, including stories about the dog-bark translator that deciphers Notaro’s and her husband’s own “woofs” a little too accurately, the emails from her mother with “FWD” in the subject line (“which in email code means Forecasting World Destruction”), and the dead-of-night shopping sprees and Devil Dog–devouring monkeyshines of a creature known as “Ambien Laurie.” At every turn, Notaro’s pluck and irresistible candor set the New York Times bestselling author on a journey that’s laugh-out-loud funny and utterly unforgettable. From the Trade Paperback edition.

A Golfer S Life

Author : Arnold Palmer
ISBN : 0307775720
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 63. 22 MB
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There has never been a golfer to rival Arnold Palmer. He's the most aggressive, most exciting player the game has ever known, a dynamo famous for coming from behind to make bold last-minute charges to victory. To the legions of golf fans known around the world as "Arnie's Army," Palmer is a charismatic hero, the winner of sixty-one tournaments on the PGA Tour and still going strong on the Senior PGA Tour. But behind the legend, there is the private Palmer--a man of wit, compassion, loyalty, and true grit in the face of personal adversity. Golf-crazy as far back as he can remember, Arnie followed his dad, "Deacon" Palmer, the head greenskeeper, around the Latrobe Country Club fairways; as a youth he played at dawn before the club members arrived (the only time he was allowed on the course); by the time he graduated from high school he was headed for the national circuit. His rise to fame was meteoric, and by the 1960s he had emerged as one of the few American athletes the public truly cared about--a vibrant, daring, handsome sports celebrity who attracted wild crowds and enormous television audiences whenever he played and whose charisma propelled the explosion of enthusiam for golf in the sixties. Writing with the humor and candor that are as much his trademark as his unique golf swing, Palmer narrates the deeply moving story of his life both on and off the links. He recounts his friendships (and rivalries) with greats of the game, including Jack Nicklaus, his enduringly happy marriage with Winnie, his legendary charges to triumph and his titanic disasters, and his valiant battle against cancer. Returning to the Senior PGA Tour with unmatched zeal after his recovery, Palmer reminded fans of his unfaltering heroism--and the world of golf is thankful. From small-town boy to golfing legend, Arnold Palmer has lived one of the great sporting lives of the twentieth century. Now, with the help of acclaimed golf writer James Dodson, he has created one of the great sports autobiographies of our time. From the Hardcover edition.

Crossing The Horizon

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9781451659405
Genre : Fiction
File Size : 79. 99 MB
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"Soar back to the fearless 1920s ... [in a] historical novel that tells the true, little-known story of three aviatrixes in a race to be the first woman to fly across the Atlantic"--Dust jacket flap.

The Post Office Lady With The Dragon Tattoo

Author : Laurie Notaro
ISBN : 9780345529077
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 80. 99 MB
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I had been dreading this day for more than a year. Everyone’s favorite Idiot Girl, Laurie Notaro, is very close to wearing out her welcome in her hometown of Eugene, Oregon. Just a year ago, she was eighty-sixed from the local satellite post office for buying too many two-cent stamps (“The post office lady looked at me like I had just asked her if she wanted to buy my sex tape”). Now Notaro, needing to send an important care package to her nephew, returns to the scene of the non-crime—which is located inside a drugstore that is stocked with everything from Hello Kitty trinkets to fake poo to “the largest collection of aging candy on the West Coast.” Will the post office lady who banned her the first time around kick her to the curb, or will Laurie use her Idiot Girl wiles to work her way back into the Mean Lady’s good graces? In this hilarious story, New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro’s signature pluck and irresistible candor are on full display and will have you laughing out loud.

Available

Author : Matteson Perry
ISBN : 9781501101434
Genre : Biography & Autobiography
File Size : 47. 30 MB
Format : PDF
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"A real-life romantic comedy about a guy and a girl and twenty-nine other girls: a memoir about an unexpected break-up, one self-imposed year of being single, and how a nice guy survived dating in the twenty-first century"--

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